Monday, September 13, 2010

you don't know shit on a stick from a corndog.

Ok. The shit taking can now commence. Trust me I feel the guilt. It has been 5 days. 5 solid days without me singing the 12 days of Turducken to you. How in the world can I ever make it up to you? I even left you hanging on fancy Thursday. Well all I can say is that I was busy with my very important real job. (Who are you kidding, important?) YES important! We raised 1.7 million dollars this weekend for Children’s Memorial and I would qualify that as IMPORTANT! 

So, kids, mommy is sorry. It won’t happen again. Until the next radiothon. Next month. I know you have all been on the edge of a cliff just waiting to hear about Rosh dinner (BHAHA yea right) and I do know that some of you are anxiously awaiting my first PROJECT FOOD BLOG POST. Don’t you worry, it’s a comin’. Tonight. 

Aside from raising a babillion dollars to take care of sick babies this weekend, Dad got a for real legit take amazeballs pictures CAMERA! La Bouche is now LEGIT! That, my friends, is the true reason you get PFB post tonight, because heaven forbid (GASP) I enter ugly pictures! And I wanted to tell you all about Project Food Blog before I go and post a tender post about how important you all are to me and how im a fat kid trapped in a fabulous persons shell etc etc. So first things effing first.

ONNNN THEEEEEE 10th day of Turducken La Bouchey said to me “go on and make your Thursdays fancy” (sorr I missed it, Dad)

And on the 9th day of Turducken La Bouchey said to me “this is effing stupid why did I do this-ey?”

All I really wanted to do was get to the 5 GOLDENNNN RINNGGGSS but I realize now this is a waste of blog. You win. I couldn’t keep it up for 12 days. I tried but when you have to come up with 5 at once, it’s tough. But Turducken is still on, for next Sunday, so expect a whopper of a post next Monday! 

On to what I know you’re really wondering, how did I eff up Rosh dinner? Well that my friends, is a funny story. Let me just tell you. I am looking around for recipes because 
A) im not Jewish and 
B) I don’t have a bubby to tell me in half Yiddish what to do. 

Since I am not Jewish, I thought, hey you know what, I bet you there is someone out there like me who’s made a Rosh dinner that’s not jewish, and I bet they are a good cook like me and I will just find her. She is out there, I know it. Kids, I wish I could tell you I found her, but what I found was SO. MUCH. BETTER. This woman I found, on the great world wide web, is a very Christian woman with 11 kids. She celebrates jewish holidays because they are from the Old Testament and she thinks that we should be honoring Judaism because Jesus was a Jew. I can only tell you that she gets a LOT of flack from Christians who don’t get it, but I, most of the time aligning with Bill Maher, got a GOOD OLE GIGGLE out of her. Anyway when I looked at her recipes I saw that she uses Crisco. Oh, Crisco. A Christian with a babillion kids, celebrating Rosh Hashanah who uses Crisco? YEAS.Sign.Me.UP! I have never, in my life, purchased Crisco. I know that this is sacrilegious to say you are southern and not keep Crisco in your house, but if you haven’t already noticed, I am sort of an anomaly. 

Anyway (GOSH, get to the point whitney.) I made this apple honey cake of hers. Apples and honey are a standing tradition at Rosh Hashanah as well as Honey cake, so I thought, hell a few birds, one stone, let’s do this dance. I know that honey cake is supposed to be a moist batter. This is the single most important aspect to a honey cake because they aren’t traditionally the yummiest of confections. They are like the fruit cake to Christmas. Always there, never eaten. I am making this batter, and it looks like a brick. I immediately start cursing heart of wisdom (that’s the name of her amazing blog) and telling her telepathically that she doesn’t know a shit on a stick from a corndog. So I start editing, like a true cook does. It looks like a brick so I add oil. Then it just straight smelled like fat so I added brown sugar and more cinnamon. Anyway, this girl should not quit her day job. I know I should have used my better judgement to analyze whether Crisco was a good idea or not, but it was like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. This was one of those recipes where I was honestly just proud that I felt comfortable adding things that I knew would combat the problem at hand. 

The cake tasted OK at best. But finding this woman on the internet, was worth the minor fail.

1/2 cups honey
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs
2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon soda
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
4 cups diced apples
1 cup chopped walnuts
I also added ½ cup of oil, copious amounts of brown sugar and extra cinnamon.

Cream together honey, shortening and eggs. Sift salt, soda, nutmeg, cinnamon and flour and add to creamed mixture. Stir in apples and nuts. Pour into greased 9″ x 13″ x 2″ pan and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Remove from oven and cool completely before frosting.

Cream Cheese Frosting
1 Tablespoon Butter
6 ounces softened cream cheese
1/4 cup honey
2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Do yourself a favor and never make that cake. Moving on. Tonight. Expect my very first post for Project Food Blog. This challenge is ‘why I should be the next food blog star’. If you can think of any specific reason, you go on and tell me. I plan on telling you and the judges how I got here, and why I continue to spend the majority of my life messing around with food. THIS IS UBER IMPORTANT: I am posting this, but we can’t start voting until September 20th. Not to worry I will send you a reminder, but you should know that you will have to great a foodbuzz account to be able to vote. It’s easy, you just give your name and email address, but I will remind you all of this again later on this week. 

In short, I missed you. I love you. Please vote for my blog because I write it for you. See you tonight! Love,


  1. Looking forward to it...and don't worry about the cake if I did try I would most likely burn it :(
    P.S. Congratulations on the fundraiser, nice job :)

  2. Hahaha thank you! Trust me, it is hard to make a worse cake than her recipe, I seriously laughed for hours after I got elbow deep in batter and it was just too late for saving :)

  3. How the hell have you never bought Crisco? As a Georgia Peach myself I am quite offended. Your ass better be at brunch at 10 am Sunday :) Your comedic talents will surely help cure my hangover. Congrats on the fundraiser! xoxo